Musings and Snoozes

Onwards, ever upwards (as Claire would say)

on February 18, 2013

dream catch me


Well it’s only taken me a nearly a week to do this, but never mind.

So, things are looking up. Or at least in theory they should be, right now I don’t feel as though I’m getting very far, but I’m trying to stay positive. I had my much anticipated hospital appointment last Tuesday and, apart from their car park charges and retarded send you here, there and everywhere system, I have nothing but praise for the NHS. I saw a very lovely consultant, who thankfully got my “I’m nervous so I’m probably going to say stupid things” sense of humour and who was just generally very nice and very easy to talk to. My overriding memories of hospital as a child involved going to see  a lot of doctors and specialists when I had epilepsy, and aside from one doctor who was amazing, I mostly just remember being a little bit intimidated by most of them. Coupled with the fact that I haven’t really been into hospital since my Dad died, I wasn’t exactly looking forward to the practicalities of this appointment. Thankfully, being in a completely new built part of the hospital, it brought back no horrible memories and I wasn’t the least bit intimidated. Anyway, I was asked a lot of questions about what I do, how I feel, what sort of pain I have, how tired I am etc, and was then poked and prodded in all the places they expect fibromyalgia patiens to hurt in. Unsurprisingly I hurt in most of them, and thus the diagnosis was a foregone conclusion. What impressed me though is what they’re doing about it and how easy it seemed to be. Unlike going to my GP, who don’t get me wrong has been amazing, you don’t have to wait for anything at the hospital and they have no one else to refer you to and therefore things get done on the spot. Consequently I’m now on medication to help me get a more restful night’s sleep (very low dosage antidepressants) and I’m going to start seeing a physiotherapist so I can start a graded exercise program and actually start doing something without killing myself. I’m not sure which of the two I’m more excited about, as essentially the two worst parts of having ME/Fibromyalgia are the not being able to feel any better, no matter how much sleep you get, and not being able to do much exercise for fear of hurting yourself/knackering yourself. So I have high hopes for both these things! So far the meds haven’t kicked in, but then I know they’re going to take a good few weeks before I notice anything. The main thing so far is that they’re not making me feel any worse and I’m not waking up looking and feeling like a zombie. I’m not sure when the physio starts or how they go about this, but I’m optimistic that as I have a check up in May at the hospital to see how I’m getting on, I’d like to think it will have started by then. We shall see….

So yes, in theory I’m all kinds of optimistic. Sadly in practice I’m still a bit fed up about how rubbish I feel and not being able to break any sort of cycle to feel better. Part of my problem is work, as I’m not exactly what you’d call happy there and nor is it a job that motivates me to get out of bed in any way, shape or form in a morning. When it’s hard enough to get out of bed as it is, it doesn’t help if you don’t actually want to be going to the place you’re getting out of bed for. Thankfully I get on well with everyone I work with, so that at least is a little glimmer that gets me moving in the morning, but it’s far from ideal! It’s been mooted that reducing my hours would be beneficial, but I’m loathed to lose the money so the plan at the moment is see how the meds go, along with the physio hopefully, and then see if I feel any different. I have at least mentioned this to the boss, so if and when it comes to it, it shouldn’t come as a complete surprise.

The other problem is the fact that it’s still winter. With the days being so short (although I am now leaving work in daylight!) it makes it hard for me to do things after work, as I tend to feel that once it goes dark, that’s it for the day. I long for warm, summer evenings where at least if nothing else, I can soak up some much needed vitamin D after work. It doesn’t even have to be a heatwave, which is probably lucky since we’re unlikely to get one in England, but just to feel a little bit of sun on my skin and feel like the day was that bit longer, would help enormously. Sadly I realise there is very little I can do about this and so I just have to try and change my way of thinking a bit. At least it’s not too long now til the clocks go forward, so the only way is up and all that.

For now though, it’s just taking each day as it comes and enjoying the energy when it materialises and giving in to the sofa when it doesn’t. The sooner I learn to listen to my body and accept that what I have is actually an illness, and not just self induced patheticness, the better I’ll be. Theory and all that though is a wonderful thing!


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