Musings and Snoozes

A Samhain Post

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I know this blog is usually just for anything fibro related (not that I’ve been very good at updating recently), but as I no longer use my LiveJournal, I figured I might as well blog all my thoughts here in one place. So tonight, a Samhain post (or Hallowe’en to most people!).

Samhain has always been one of my favourite pagan celebrations (along with Beltaine – the pagans amongst you can make what you will from that). I don’t know if it’s just my inner goth that loves all things black and spiderwebby, or if it’s my love of pumpkin soup, but I’ve always enjoyed celebrating it. In recent years it’s also been a time to think about my dad, and while he probably crosses my mind most days, this year he seems to have cropped up more than usual.

I suppose it’s inevitable – this last year or so has been full of changes for me; getting married, starting a new job, moving house,  and to think that he’s not here to see the “me” that I am now makes me feel somewhat strange. I don’t mean that it makes me sad as such, or that I get upset by it (though I’ll be the first to admit that it hits me out of the blue sometimes), but it just makes me think how odd it is how life can change and that I’m not the same person as I was seven years ago, and yet to me, he’s just still “my dad”.

I often think about how I’ve ended up this motorsport loving, folk-listening hippie and think how my dad would have loved that! If he were still here now he’d be coming to every festival and every car race or event possible, probably whether he were invited or not! I sometimes get angry that I feel like all this came too late, and that it’s unfair that I’m not getting to share all this with him, but then at the same time I find I’m pleased that this is how I’ve turned out and that actually, he’d be pretty proud. 

By far the biggest thing is that I’m married to a man my dad never got to meet, and also that he never got to know some of my closest friends, which seems ever so strange when they’re such huge parts of my life now. That said, I’m not sure either Jon or my friends feel as though they’ve never met Dad – goodness knows I talk about him enough and tell enough stories that they probably feel as though they’ve known him forever! And to be honest, that’s exactly how I want it. People should be kept alive by memories and that’s what I’ve been thinking about most this year. Samhain may be a time to look back and remember loved ones, but it’s not just a time for tears, and certainly for me it’s all about the funny stories and the memories which make me smile. So I will continue to think about Dad and be sad and a little bit angry that he’s not here, but I’ll also think about all the things we did get to do together and all the memories I’ve still got. Because for me, that’s what Samhain’s about.

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