Musings and Snoozes

Shameless self promotion (for a change!)

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Sometimes it takes a little thing or an unexpected person to make you take a step back and look at things. So today I’m taking a step back and realising that you know what, when people compliment me, say I’m awesome, tell me I’m strong or that I’m a fighter, well actually, yeh, they might just be right. So forgive the shameless self promotion, today I am going to put aside all the crap, all the issues, the seemingly incessant, bloody annoying pain, and the fact the I spend 99% of my life wishing I was curled up under a blanket somewhere, and make a list of quite why I’m doing pretty damn well.

•Firstly, I made it to the gym this morning. Not only did I make it but I enjoyed it, I felt better for it, and more importantly, I didn’t stop for a McDonald’s on the way home.

•Linked to that, I’ve lost a stone in the last couple of months and clothes that have been snug or just downright unwearable are starting to make a reappearance.

•I’m pretty bloody good at my job. I took a risk when I chose to leave a very permanent, safe job for a 9 month temporary contract, but good god it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. In 18 months I’ve been made permanent, won three awards, and been promoted. More importantly I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time.

•I’ve found (and kept!) a bloody amazing husband! I’m not sure this counts as me being awesome, but I still like to think I deserve a bit of credit for nabbing him.

•I have a social life. It may not be as full as I like, it may not be as energetic as I’d like, I may not be able to do as much as I’d like, but I damn well make it work. It’s very easy to say ‘I can’t do that’ and sometimes that’s all I want to say, but seeing friends and family is too important and I’ll make it work around my blanket-filled days if it kills me.

•I am in control of my illness. Mostly. Yes sometimes it sneaks up on me, no there’s not always a good reason for a flare up, but I know myself, I know my body. When things are wrong I’m starting to learn to address them and not just wait for them to go away. I’m also learning not to just give up. I will work round this, I will fight, I will do what the doctor tells me. Probably.

What I have learnt is that all these things define me. Who I am, what I do, how I live my life. I may be ill, I may have shit days, I might do the wrong thing or make questionable decisions but you know what, I think sometimes I can be pretty bloody awesome.

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It all comes back to the music

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I’m not going to lie, my first thought this morning was not the fact that today is the anniversary of my Dad’s death (it was instead “oh shit, my yoga class started 15 minutes ago”), but every year without fail something comes up that turns my thoughts towards Dad. Today it was, somewhat fittingly, new music.

I no longer feel particularly sad when this day comes round-yes, of course I inevitably think about how much I miss him, but mostly it just gives me an opportunity to take a bit of time to think about him. Music was by far one of the biggest connections I had with Dad (along with our utter emotional, and usually rather argumentative, outbursts) and so it’s not that surprising  that music should be the trigger today.

I miss the sound of his guitar playing which almost constantly filled the house, but the biggest thing I miss is sharing musical discoveries. When I hear a new band or discover a new song, I know I get my excitement from my Dad. That emotional attachment I can form almost instantly with a song or a piece of music, the need to share it, the complete bafflement when no one else quite gets it-all that comes from Dad!

So today, I think you should all go out and listen to You+Me. I’ll leave it up to you to discover who the slightly weird and wonderful duo are, and I will be baffled when you don’t like it as much as me, and I won’t get why it doesn’t speak to you on an emotional level, but that’s ok, because Dad would get it.

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