Musings and Snoozes

Hold your breath and count to ten, fall apart and start again

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Well I can’t say as I had any emotional revelations today. What I actually did was have a therapeutic bit of cake with Max, inadvertently caused a spot of chaos at work, and spent the evening marvelling at Claire’s obsessive love of mozzarella.

Still, tomorrow I am taking a step back from everything. I will go stress relieve at the gym, rant, rave and generally ramble at my mum over coffee, and then go utterly lose myself in music at the Lindsey Stirling gig.

Thailand and therapy it ain’t, but it’s the next best thing.

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It’s all in your head Alice!

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I think I spent so long trying to convince myself and my initial doctors that my fibromyalgia symptoms weren’t all in my head, that I tend to dismiss any signs of depression or stress or anxiety. While I know all too well the difference between not wanting to get up in a morning because you don’t see the point and not wanting to because it physically hurts too much, I think sometimes I have to admit that things get to me emotionally and mentally as well. And more importantly that that’s ok.

It’s 12.20am, I’ve had a stressful week at work (and it’s only Tuesday!) so I don’t really have the energy to go delving through my emotions right now. In fact what I’d really like to do is just run away and escape everything for a while (preferably on a beach in Thailand), but recognising that I’m a bit fed up and a bit overwhelmed is s good start. I’ll figure out what to do about it tomorrow. Probably.

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Ups and Downs and Oops, Collapse

Exhausted

Despite the fact that staying upright and being coherent is indeed exhausting, I did manage to give myself a good talking to this morning and come to work. Not going to lie, I’ve pretty much been thinking about going home ever since I came in, but hey, I made it and I’m pretty sure it’s done me more good than mooching around at home. Probably. My aching muscles may or may not disagree with this, not to mention the fact that my skin is apparently so painful that the damn hand dryers hurt me earlier, and that the slamming of a door nearly made me have a nervous breakdown. Apart from that, it was totally a good idea to come to work today!

On the plus side I feel like I’ve practically got my doctor on speed dial now, which is good. I went to see him again last week and we’ve lowered the dosage of one of my meds (the duloxetine) to see if that stops the crazy muscle twitches, the nausea and the inability to sleep. As beautiful as Tamazepam-induced sleep is, I do not want to go down that path of addiction anytime soon. Plus it leaves me like a zombie the next morning, which is never ideal! So I’m off to pick up the new dosage tomorrow and we’ll see how we go from there.

Overall I’m back to being a bit up and down again. I can have one fantastic day and feel like I can take on the world and then the next day not being able to move or think straight. I know as I type this that I need to get back on much more of an even track again – my physiotherapist did a very good job of drumming into me that I needed to stop the ups and downs and try and aim for a straight line, but it’s never as easy as it sounds. I spend so much of my time feeling like I can’t do things that when I suddenly feel I can, I have to go out there and do them straight away. Sadly I also seem to think that I must do everything all at once and with probably ten times the amount of energy it requires, plus unexpected things always come up and get in the way. I had planned to maybe have a quiet few weeks before Christmas, but this week alone I’ve got a gig to go to on Thursday, a day in London on Saturday, coffee and cake on Sunday, and then the ATP finals at the O2 on Sun night (woo Bonny Rog!). I know the simple answer is to cancel or to at least learn from this and not book myself up again for an entire week, but then I just sulk and mope that my illness is stopping me doing things. So i shall suck it up, take plenty of painkillers, look after myself and hope to get through it all in one piece. I’ll report back on the death status next week!

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