Musings and Snoozes

The importance of meraki

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You should know this. Whoever you are, if you are part of my life then it’s for a reason. I’ve always looked to others for inspiration and recently more so that ever. Without some of the most incredibly inspiring people in my life currently, I wouldn’t be who I am.

My first instinct when I think about this last week is to say that it’s been hard. And it has. I’m absolutely shattered, I’ve lost my way a little, and in all honesty, I’m pretty down. But, on the flipside, it’s been the eye-opening week that I probably needed for several reasons, not least because of some of the people I spent the day with at the GLBTA conference on Wednesday. These are the people who remind me of the importance of role models, of having them and of being one myself. I look to others, but I hope that I can be someone who others look to as well from time to time. And the key to this every single time these discussions come up is being authentic, bringing your true self to whatever the situation may be, and this is so very important to me. I try my hardest to be true to myself and I know that when I am, I can achieve so much more, be it personally or professionally.

And so this is what I have focused on this week. Things are not perfect, I’m learning more about myself than I’m probably quite ready to, but I am so very lucky to be surrounded by some of the most amazing people I could possibly ask for. If I learn even a little bit from everyone in my life at the moment, I will be better for it, and really, I don’t think I could ask for anything more.

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“A single dream is more powerful than a thousand realities”

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So…. possibly not quite as OK as I thought I was. It’s been a long, and quite frankly, kinda shitty week and today I fell to pieces a little. Not in a dramatic way, more in a I’m just going to sleep the pain away sort of way. So I did. For approximately 24 hours solid, bar being awake enough for bacon and a brief bit of film watching from the sofa. I’d love to say I feel better for it, but I can’t say as I do yet. Maybe in the morning. Maybe.

But, pain and meh aside, I’ve enjoyed escaping into my dreams. To my friends and family my dreams are somewhat legendary (talking scones, my ex’s dog riding on the back on a motorbike with me….) and sometimes it’s fun to let my mind wander and see where it all goes. Dreams at night are much more random, but during the day if I’m dozing in and out on the sofa, then they’re much more lucid and I have a lot more control, albeit subconsciously. And the last 24 hours didn’t disappoint.

I can almost always look back and find a reason for my dreams – even the talking scone had an anchor in some sort of daytime reality, and so it doesn’t take much for me to figure out how my mind works. So unsurprisingly work was the first thing to crop up last night, and specifically the people I’m working closest with at the moment. I don’t remember the details, but I do know it involved a stand up row with someone and that I felt remarkably shaken, if not a little satisfied, about the whole thing when I woke up briefly. Thankfully it didn’t last long and it soon merged into something else entirely – being thrown into singing at a festival unexpectedly. Bizarrely the bit that stands out isn’t the panic of being thrown on stage at the last minute, or the worry of remembering the words to songs I didn’t realise I knew (although that is always an odd phenomenon in dreams when your mind conjures up things, usually song lyrics and languages in my case, that you didn’t even realise you remembered). No, the first thing I thought of when I woke up was how beautiful the sparkly microphone was and how I’d been given a beautiful copper ring with a charm as a thank you, and that I was a bit miffed that it hadn’t magically materialised on my finger. I’ll let you make your own judgements as to what that says about me…..

By this time I’d gotten up and made it onto the sofa. I stayed awake just long enough to watch Pitch Perfect (the singing dream would have made more sense *after* this, right? But no…) before I drifted off again. This time I fell straight into New York. I’ve lost track of the amount of times I’ve dreamt about being there over the last few months, but this one was made all the funnier by the fact that it didn’t centre around NY as such, but instead around the fact that Jon and I had been there for four days and I panicked because I hadn’t taken him to the bakery like I’d promised. And I know exactly where this one came from – following Dominique Ansell on bloody Instagram and looking at it right before I dozed off. Sometimes my brain is so literal and logical that I can’t help but marvel at it. It was obviously at this point that the lucid part kicked in because I then started rearranging things in my mind and changing the order of things so that we would indeed have time to go visit the bakery. Honestly, it’s good to know that my brain puts the most important things at the forefront of my mind….

There were a few more random bits and pieces (going rock climbing, finding a beautiful book on art in an old house, being taken on a date by David Couthard….) but eventually reality kicked in and I realised I’d successfully slept the whole day away. As for if it helped, we’ll have to wait and see. It felt like a nice escape though – sometimes I have to learn to just accept when my body isn’t going to work and let my mind take over instead.

And so having been out briefly for a very late dinner, I reckon it’s time for bed again. I’m not sure what my mind can possibly find to conjure up when I’ve done nothing but dream all day already, but knowing me, it’ll think of something.

Night night and sweet dreams 🌌💤

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There, but not here

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Sometimes all I need is a little time away. Admittedly there would be slightly more relaxing and a bit less work involved if it were entirely my choice, but sitting here in absolute peace and quiet, with an entire evening ahead of me and no one to see and nowhere to go, is absolute bliss.

I like travelling. I like travelling on my own even more. Not that it’s not fun with friends and family, it is, but I think ever since I lived abroad I’ve loved the freedom of being by myself. I like the chaos of airports and just being another face amongst a crowd of people. I like being able to plug my headphones in, close my eyes, and forget where I am for a while. Landing in a country where nobody knows me, but at the same time watching others around me greet each other excitedly at Arrivals (there’s a reason Love Actually is such a favourite film of mine 🙂 ) I like cocooning myself in a hotel room, making it mine, albeit briefly, and being shut away from the outside world for a while. It’s like a safe space that neither time nor people can interrupt, unless I choose to invite them in.

Sadly tomorrow brings real life, although I’m hoping only briefly. I fully intend to spend the afternoon at least soaking in the pool and basking in the sauna, like the lizard that I am.

But for now there is quiet, a hot shower and a bed with three hundred pillows calling me. It might not last, but in this moment, I am completely at peace 🙂

 

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Let no-one cage who you were meant to be

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In a break from writing about me directly (mostly because I’m a crabby bitch this evening and really, nobody needs that), I’m going to have a good old fashioned rant about something that’s close to my heart.

I can’t say as I’m in the habit of reading Teen Vogue – even I have to gracefully admit that I’m closer to my thirties than my teens now – but this article popped up on one of the GLBTA sites that I follow on Facebook, and I couldn’t help but curiously click.

Being bisexual is still the one thing that I face prejudice over, and as teen I questioned my sexuality a hundred times over before realising that it was OK not to have to “choose”, despite what people, and in all honesty society as a whole tell us. And while I’m pretty comfortable in myself now about who I am, I still find that I frequently face the same assumptions and judgements that I did when I was fifteen and horribly confused. And if I still struggle with that now as a relatively confident 29 year old, how in the world can we expect confused teenagers to be able to be comfortable in their sexuality, and cope with the millions of questions and feelings that being a confused teenager comes with?

Being told it’s just a phase and being told that now I’ve married a guy I must be straight at last, are two of the most frustrating things to hear. What’s worse is that particularly in the case of the latter, it’s often the GLBT community themselves who are guilty of this. And that’s where I really struggle. There is such a huge amount of re-education and mindset that needs changing amongst society as a whole, that if we can’t even lead by example within our own community then how can we provide the safe spaces that teenagers need to grow and develop?

As angry and frustrated as I get, the one thing I can do is fight to make the changes that are needed, and that starts within the GLBTA community. I’m lucky in that the community we have where I work is ever growing and becoming significantly more present, and I hope that I can help build on that. There will always be certain friends at work who know more about my life than others, but if I can reach the point where being bi is just an accepted part of who I am, then that’s when I’ll know we’ve made a difference.

I’m optimistic for future generations – I think now more than ever they’re becoming much more confident in questioning who they are – but until we reach that ultimate acceptance as normality, we have to do everything we can to get rid of the stigma that being bisexual seems to bring.

So all I ask is to just think before you comment or question someone on their sexuality. Please don’t make assumptions, and don’t you dare make anyone feel any less that what they deserve to be – themselves.

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Not all who wander are lost

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Having a pretty tricksy time – not bad as such, just….not quite right. It’s probably meds related and so maybe a smidge my own fault, so I’m taking a step back and looking after me. Spring will come again and I’ll be back 🌸

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To the moon and back

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Pretty sure I need to be on a beach in Thailand right now. Or watching the world go by in New York. Or sat in a tetería in Granada, smoking shisha and drinking mint tea. I definitely feel the need to escape somewhere, somewhere I can get lost in and just forget everything for a while.

So instead I got some more ink. Cheaper than running away, right? I was only supposed to be going with Shell to get hers done (which is stunningly beautiful btw) but then Emzie had some free time and well, it just seemed rude not to really. So I resisted adding more to my arm or starting on anything from scratch, and got the additions to my moon that I’ve been thinking about for ages. It’s been looking a bit faded in comparison to my beautiful flowers (but then having worked out it’s nearly 10 years old, it’s not that surprising) so I wanted to give it a new lease of life. So I let Emzie loose with a marker pen and always, she came up with perfection. The moon has been touched up and the droplets, stars, key and feather have all been added. The only downside is that I of course can’t see it, so I have to keep looking at the picture to remind myself how lovely it looks 😀

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It might not be Thailand, or New York, or Granada, but it’s enough. Just a little addition to brighten up my day, help me forget the mess that is my horribly half medicated body, and have something beautiful to focus on for a while instead.

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Min lille en

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Sometimes…. Sometimes you just need looking after. Not just physically, although god knows you need that too, but to just be wrapped up and held, and told it’ll all be ok.

I’ve been five days without my medication now – an accident, again, I know – and nothing is quite right. It’s almost inexplicable, but the world just…looks different, slightly fuzzy around the edges, like I haven’t quite woken up properly. I’m numb, physically in places, and dreams and nightmares merge into one.

But I’m ok. It doesn’t always feel it, and there are moments I’m sure I’m not, but I am. God knows I’ve learnt to cope with this by now, although seemingly not to actually remember to prevent it, but I’ll get there. After all, it’s only been four years, right?

So never underestimate the power of gentle words and a safe place. It can make all the difference on days like these.

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If you are looking for me, I’ll be picking flowers on the wildside

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Beltane – my second favourite pagan festival. Spring, sunshine, flowers, love, sex…. as celebrations go, this is a good one, and much needed after what’s felt like a pretty long winter. Beltane and Samhain go hand in hand to me, and though it’s the latter that is the official start of the pagan year, it’s always Beltane that makes me feel like I’m waking up after a long sleep. Everything feels different – brighter, more alive, clearer.

That last one is a relief if I’m honest. My head has been…..crowded, to say the least, over the last few months and I think I’m finally starting to see what I need to and make some decisions. I hope so anyway because it’s one thing to be lupus tired, it’s another to be headspace tired. I’m ready for a rest now and I think I might be getting there – my restless soul might finally be doing a little less longing 🙂

And so this Beltane has been fun. Admittedly it didn’t involve a fire festival (Simon, if you’re reading this, I’m going to have to come visit for another fire festival – I missed it a lot this year), but it’s just been blissfully simple and full of love. The night before, as always, was just spent quietly contemplating – where I am, who I am, and where I want to be. It thew up some unexpected questions, but some interesting answers. I eventually went to bed at 3am with a pretty clear mind for a change.

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Beltane itself was spent at Mum’s for dinner and general chaotic madness, in the nicest possible way of course! There were supposed to be bluebell woods too, but it was far too full of people for us to be able to stop, so we headed off for art gallery mooching and cake instead. It was nice to be out enjoying the sunshine regardless, and we had a lovely drive around in Bug with the roof down, before heading back for what can only be described as a feast.

The other bonus of Beltane is that it’s the one pagan holiday that I actually get the day off work for, since May Day is a bank holiday in England. So after much snoozing, catching up on the F1 from yesterday, and putting off work that I need to do, I instead spent the afternoon at the park in the warm spring rain, poi spinning and watching the dog try to rescue her frisbee from the stream. Bliss. I could spend hours sat in the rain when it’s warm like this – I know everyone else complains at the lack of sunshine, but sometimes warm rain is just as good, if not better. I’ve always loved days like this – when the clouds are thick and low enough to feel as though they could reach down and hug you tight. It’s a safe feeling.

So Merry Beltane everyone – here’s to spring rain and summer sunshine 🙂

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