Musings and Snoozes

I’ve loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night

on June 6, 2016

Be Friends

The beauty in the darkness is something I’ve taken a long time to become comfortable with – to see it as a friend and not an all consuming part of me. I’m fascinated by balance and the need for both light and dark to not only survive, but to live fully – I honestly don’t think you can have one without the other. Finding that balance is hard, but life is teaching me how to use them both to learn about myself and the world around me.

Right now, well, things are the epitome of light and dark, up and down, good and bad. I go from high as a kite one minute to lost and overwhelmed the next. I don’t know how much of it is me, how much is not taking care of myself properly, or how much of it is just my ridiculous medication and the many delightful side effects it brings. Maybe it’s all three. I probably need to step back and re-find the balance again, but it’s hard with so much going on. I’ve given myself a day off work on Wednesday at least, which is a fairly big step for me, and I’m hoping for a day of getting lost in the summer rain for a while and trying to get back on track.

Despite the downs and the less than pleasant parts of my life, I don’t know that I’d change it. Well no, maybe that’s a bit far – if I could have my Dad back and maybe some of my health too, then yes, let’s be honest I would. But those experiences do make me “me”. I got talking about regrets and past relationships earlier and it made me realise that I’m remarkably proud of who I am today because of what I’ve learnt from life so far. I don’t think that’s bad for a sometimes jaded, cynical 29 year old. It’s not to say I wouldn’t go back and do things differently – given a second chance, who wouldn’t – but as long as I can remember that sometimes you need the bad stuff to teach you about the good stuff, then it wasn’t all in vain.

So here I am, treading a fine line somewhere in the middle at the moment, neither comfortable nor consumed by one or the other, but the fact that I recognise that is always the first step in not spiraling out of control. And so I’ll look for the lessons in both, take what I can, and keep (hopefully) heading in the right direction.

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