Musings and Snoozes

There just aren’t enough spoons in the world

on July 2, 2016

I’m supposed to be in Brighton right now. Instead I pretty much haven’t been able to move all day. There are not words for how angry I am about this. Although clearly as I’m writing this, I’m going to try and find some. 

Guilt. I’d have made a good Catholic with the sheer amount of guilt I feel about putting myself first. I know in theory that I’ve done far too much this week because I don’t like letting people down, or can’t bear the thought of being judged, but I know I’ll do it again next time. And here I am, paying for it.

Mostly I’m so pissed off at my body’s timing to get sick. Or sicker than usual anyway. I can fight the everyday pain – the tiredness, the aches – but throw a head cold at it and I don’t stand a chance. And then I worry that it sounds so pathetic – it’s only a cold, right – but when your body doesn’t work at the best of times, this just kind of finishes it off. Not helped by the effects of the Sjogrens Syndrome, which just makes my face swell up and my throat close up. Attractive. Don’t get me wrong, there is no one among my friends and family that make me feel bad about it, I do this entirely to myself, but I can’t help it. Saying no to the guys last night when I realised that there was no way I could keep myself upright long enough to enjoy the trip down to Brighton, was so hard. And yet my friends never fail to be understanding and encourage me to look after myself. I just haven’t learned to do the same for myself yet. 

On the plus side, or at least on the more fun side, I made it to the Walk Off the Earth gig last night. I suspect going into London and standing so much was probably the last straw in breaking me, but it was worth it for the two hours or so of such good music and a proper party atmosphere.

A very much appreciated birthday present from the lovely Danny. Music never fails to keep me going, no matter how bad things are, and for a couple of hours I could forget everything and just dance and sing along with 5000 other people. 

There are a surprising lack of videos taken at the gig last night, so I’ll just leave you with a couple of their official ones instead. KRNFX wasn’t there sadly, but he was replaced by Bellatrix who was all kinds of awesome. 

If anyone needs me, I’ll be the one moping under my blankie on the sofa. Feel free to send chocolate and other such necessities. 

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One response to “There just aren’t enough spoons in the world

  1. I’m sorry for what you are going through and I understand your frustrations, but I’m impressed with your ability to find outlets like music and ways to take it a day or moment at a time when needed. It can make all the difference.

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