Musings and Snoozes

If I just sit here quietly, it’ll never find me

on August 14, 2016

Honestly, I’m 29 years old, you’d have thought I’d have learned my lesson by now. But no. Burying my head in the sand and pretend a problem doesn’t exist is by far my default coping method. 

I have an appointment tomorrow morning that I am absolutely terrified about. Unreasonably terrified probably,  but regardless, I’ve just been pretending it’s not happening for the last three weeks. Now it’s 10.30pm the night before and I’m having to gather both my thoughts and the physical bits and pieces I need for the morning. I am of course wishing I’d done all this before, because now my usual anxieties are setting in – what if I get lost, what if I can’t find anywhere to park, what if the people are horrible, what if they judge me, worse still what if they don’t believe me?! I spend my whole life trying not to let my illness define me and now tomorrow morning I have to go do exactly that – let it define me completely and furthermore, prove it. 

I considered just not going. I always consider that as an option. If in doubt, run away, right? But I won’t. I am better than that. And I have to remind myself that the whole thing will be over within an hour. After that I can drive away and it’ll all be done. Honestly getting to work has never looked so appealing in comparison. 

I have no idea why I do this to myself, and everytime I say I won’t do it again – I’ll be more prepared, I’ll make sure I’m ready, etc etc etc, but here I am again! So instead I’ll just talk to the pooch for a bit until I get too sleepy to think anymore, and hope that this is the last time I put myself in this situation. I’ve got to learn at some point right…..?

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3 responses to “If I just sit here quietly, it’ll never find me

  1. Jackie says:

    I am happy I came across your blog. I am really enjoying your writing style. I hope this appointment went as well as possible!

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