Musings and Snoozes

I promised to look after her and he promised to look after me

on September 17, 2016

I had strange dreams last night. The kind that stay with you the following day. And the kind that it probably doesn’t take a so-called dream expert to decode. 

I can’t even describe where I was, I just know it was full of people – family, friends, strangers. There were three of us – me, a younger girl, and an older guy – the girl I don’t recognise now I’m awake, but the guy is someone I know. Whatever all these people wanted us to do, it wasn’t what we wanted and so we stayed out of the way as much as possible and stuck together. I would reassure the girl that I’d keep her safe and look after her, in turn the older guy looked after me and made sure I was OK. It worked, we looked out for each other, and it felt safe. 

I’m missing that guy. Not in a romantic sense, I don’t mean that, but the role he played in looking out for me and always being there when life got hard. Right now I’m so tired, physically and emotionally, that all I want to do is hide. I have amazing people in my life, and this is not a criticism on any one of you who reads this – it’s down to you lot that I don’t actually give in and run and hide. I just miss where he fit in – almost a step removed from what was going on and therefore could always provide another way of looking at things. 

But that person, or rather that role, is not going to just fall back into my life, and so maybe I should learnt to ask for help a little more. Maybe not even help, maybe I should just be a little more honest. Despite perceptions, both in and out of work, I can be honest with other people but not always with myself. “I’m fine” only goes so far after all. 

And coming home last night, having a bit of a cry, and falling asleep fully clothed at 7pm probably tells me I’m not so fine. I don’t even know what I’m not fine about – I don’t know if work is getting to me, if it’s my lupus/fibro, if it’s that I’m just sinking into a bit of depression and anxiety again, but everything is just a little overwhelming at the moment. I just know I don’t feel right, and if I don’t do something then I’m going to self combust. 

So this is step one-admitting it. Step two is not hiding all weekend like I want to, and actually going out with friends. Step three? Well step three might involve all that taking care of myself that I keep promising to do. It seems that along with “I’m fine”, apparently “yeah yeah” isn’t cutting it either. So this is my promise to you, and to myself, that I will figure out step three and I will keep my promise. You can hold me to it 🙂

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One response to “I promised to look after her and he promised to look after me

  1. You’re damned right yeah yeah isn’t cutting it! Hugs lady, huge “you need to let me go I can’t breathe” hugs 😘

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