Musings and Snoozes

Choice, Chance, Change

on October 28, 2016

It sort of feels right that I’m at a definite point of looking back, reassessing what’s important, and starting to look forward. Today is ten years since my dad died, and I feel a strange peace in the knowledge that I’m doing something right with my life. 

Quite where those ten years have gone, I don’t know, and I must confess to having had a little cry at happy memories today. But that’s OK, I’d rather cry and smile at those happy memories than still be wrapped up in his actual dying. It’s healthy, and I’m pleased that grief has never been something to be ashamed of in my life. It does get easier, of course it does, and I’ve always said that I’m more likely to be found crying on a random Tuesday afternoon than on an anniversary or birthday. But I still like to acknowledge these days, it’s important to to me, just to put something down in writing. 

We often talk about Dad – even those who didn’t know him feel they do by the amount of stories I can tell. A little while ago we got talking about the split between my dad’s work persona and who he was at home. I’ve certainly inherited that from him, and mum will often wonder who this girl is who kicks arse at work and knows what she wants. It’s somewhat in contrast to the girl who’s too scared to ring for Chinese takeaway on a Friday night or ask for directions in the street! 

I get my impulsiveness from dad too. And my roller-coaster emotions. Those two together don’t always make for the best decision making skills, and they certainly didn’t make for the quietest relationship between dad and I. Many an evening was spent with door slamming and shouting, only to be best friends again half an hour later. I’m much the same now – I’ll be furiously angry with you for a while, but it’ll soon dissipate and I’m quite happy to pretend that nothing happened. Much to other people’s annoyance! 

But at 29, ten years on, I think I might be becoming someone my dad would be pretty proud of. Not that he wasn’t anyway – I’m pretty sure he was almost always proud of me, I was a daddy’s girl after all – but I look at who I am and what I’ve achieved over the last few years and I think he’d approve. Clearly I don’t cook nearly enough, nor do I practice my flute, and let’s not get started on why I categorically cannot play the guitar, but all that aside, I think he’d be pretty pleased with the choices I’ve made. 

Which brings me to now. I need a change and I need to make a choice. I’m not quite sure what the outcome of those changes and choices will be, but I feel very definite that now is the time to make them. And call me crazy (and you’re entitled to) but I feel dad would agree were he here, almost like I have his support. I can’t put it into words any more than that, but it’s the part that’s making me brave right now. 

So let’s see what the next ten years bring (a terrifying prospect, let’s be honest) and if my bravery pays off. If it doesn’t it’ll quite clearly be dad’s fault, just like everything else 🙂

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