Musings and Snoozes

Pain has my body, but it doesn’t have my soul 

on January 9, 2017

I don’t often do this, but I’m going to write about exactly how bad my body feels. I try to keep this blog pretty positive, and no doubt I can find some humour somewhere along the way this evening, but I haven’t felt this bad in a long time and I think sometimes therapeutically, it’s good to get it out. 

Firstly, I had approximately 3 hours sleep last night. I was tired, but not sleepy,  when I went to bed, and so consequently I lay awake for a long time. Jon was remarkably awake too for a while, so at least I had someone to talk to (other than the dog), but when my alarm went off at 6am, my mind raced through every possible way I could call in sick. I didn’t, if for no other reason than I was getting my much anticipated new laptop today and I wasn’t missing that. 

So I did survive the working day. I was my usual ten minutes late due to not being able to move too quick this morning, but spending five hours or so curled up in the warmth of the IT office meant I made it through in one piece. 

I have however spent most of the day feeling sick. The nausea is one of my most hated symptoms, if only because I know perfectly well that I won’t actually be sick, I’ll just feel sick.  And it’s horrible. It makes my head swim, and then I lose my balance and all sense of depth perception. The amount of times I nearly fell over today was borderline comical. And tomorrow I have to stand in front of a room and give training for 6 hours. God help the trainees…..! 

By the time I got home, I was fit for nothing, and that’s when the pain kicked in. My back, hips, arms, shoulders – they’re all so incredibly achey. Every now and again I get a stabbing pain in my neck or I forget momentarily and lean my elbows on my legs, causing a yelp and inevitable bruising by morning. 

More than anything, I just feel broken. Physically very broken. My head and my mood are actually remarkably good, and I’m grateful – contrary to this little ramble, I’m actually considerably better at dealing with the physical pain than the mental side of things. But walking at snails pace and having to grab hold of things to keep me upright is not a lot of fun either. 

So I’ve done the sensible thing and come to bed. It’s only half 9 and I have a million things I needed to do tonight, but I know it’s not worth it. I said I’d start looking after me, and so I am. Painkillers, pyjamas, and a heated blanket, and with any luck I’ll be at least semi functioning by morning. 

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