Musings and Snoozes

“Caught between a strong mind, and a fragile heart” 

on October 12, 2017

Well today was not was I expected, nor what I had planned, but I feel considerably better now than I did this time last night. Turns out, sometimes I should practice what I preach.

Anyone who follows me on Facebook will have seen the link to my post from last year talking about mental health, and how important it is that we’re not afraid to start a conversation. I received a huge amount of support and positivity, both publicly and privately, and I felt very proud of myself for having been brave enough to share. And rightly so, after all, it’s never easy admitting a history of depression and self harm, but as it turns out what’s even harder is admitting that now there’s a new problem.

But today I did. Rather unexpectedly actually, and as if to prove what an incredibly powerful tool mental health week and mental health ambassadors can be, it was thanks to a conversation about that, that I was able to tell a friend that I was struggling with anxiety. It felt a huge relief to explain even briefly how hard the last couple of days have been, and how illogical the whole thing is. I like reasons and explanations for things, and if there’s one thing anxiety defies, it’s logic. But I went away from our conversation feeling that no matter how bad things can seem, I always have M on my side.

With that, I decided to bite the bullet and be honest with my manager about what was going on. After I’d finished rambling and tripping over my words, she asked me why I was so worried about telling her – she is, after all, one of the most approachable people I know – but putting it into words, spoken ones, not just written, is pretty hard for me. I hate to think that the other person feels they have to fix it or find a solution, or that they might think I’m just being a bit of a wuss.  And of course that’s when I cried.

But crying and fear and rambling aside, I cannot begin to explain the enormous sense of relief I feel tonight. This time last night I went to bed not knowing if I’d even be able to leave the house in the morning, let alone get through a day’s work. Tonight, I’m going to bed knowing that no matter how I wake up feeling tomorrow morning, there are people in every corner of my life, both personal and at work, who will do whatever they can to make sure I’m ok and that, more importantly, when I’m not ok, that that’s ok too. And right now, that’s the most amazing feeling in the world. 

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