Musings and Snoozes

A whole new meaning to “baby brain”

on December 21, 2017

Courage

It’s taken me a while to reach the point where I can talk about this and try and organise my thoughts enough to get everything down on metaphorical paper. All of this has been swimming around for the last few weeks, but I think I’m about there to be able to make sense of it all now.

For the last year or so I’ve been thinking about children. Having them I mean. We’d pretty much decided that we wouldn’t have any, that it would be too much for my already slightly broken body to deal with, that the risks were too many, and that mentally I wasn’t prepared to go through it. But the body is a funny thing, it doesn’t listen to rationale, and I’m a firm believer that my ovaries have a mind of their own. And so tentatively, my friends and families’ reminders that I wouldn’t be alone, and that I have an incredible support network (both medically and family wise) started to seep in, until one weekend in Newcastle, ten minutes before we were due to go out, I decided to spring on poor unsuspecting husband that I wanted children. Well done there Lizard. Suffice to say, we didn’t exactly have much of a chance to talk about it, so he tried not to look too scared, while I reassured him I didn’t mean that very minute.

Fast forward several weeks and my head is swimming with decisions and information and studies and research and fear and excitement.

One huge plus point to come out of my anxiety and depression is that I’m seeing a Psychiatrist. After 15 years of essentially dealing with this by myself, I am finally getting some help. And what’s even better is because my Psychiatrist manages my medication, he is in the best possible place to help me work out the what to do regarding my current medications and future options regarding pregnancy. Because it turns out it’s hella complicated. Mostly because I’m on a very weird combination of drugs for the fibromyalgia and autoimmune, some of which, Duloxetine in particular, hasn’t had a lot of research done on it in terms of effects on pregnancy. Which makes it a very scary thing. I’ve had my GP, my Rheumatologist and my Psychiatrist all contacting various health authorities etc to get as much information as possible, and what it essentially boils down to is “we’re not sure”.

Now at this point the obvious answer is to come off said medication and switch to something different. But that’s not so simple either. The withdrawal from Duloxetine is incredibly horrible. I know this both from the look my Dr gave me when we talked about it, and from the times I’ve forgotten to pick up my prescription or, for example, the time I went to the US for a week and forgot to take my meds with me (well done again there Lizard). What’s worse is that there is no finite time for how long withdrawal will last. My Dr’s words were “in some people it’s a couple of weeks, others it’s months, and others……well sometimes it never goes away”. Yay. To give you an idea, just some of the things it causes are intense pins and needles in my lower arms and legs, which in turn causes a kind of strange weakness that makes me fall over and drop things, dizziness, nausea, paranoia, depression, self harm tendencies, and suicidal thoughts. The majority of which I am or have been prone to at the best of times, without this!

So here I am, essentially faced with the choice of stay on the medication and hope that the risks to the baby are indeed unfounded and minimal, or come off the medication and be such a miserable, broken, semi-suicidal delight that the chances of being in any kind of state to make a baby is slim to none! What a prospect eh?

However, awful as it sounds, there is hope. I have never had as much medical support as I do now (thanks Private Health Insurance), and together we are determined to make this work. Plenty of people with my condition, or indeed any condition that Duloxetine treats, have gone on to have a healthy and happy family so this is possible. It’s going to take some careful experimenting with dosages and drugs, there are undoubtedly going to be some scary moments when the experimenting isn’t working, and I am going to have to really learn to look after myself and be completely honest about how I’m feeling – no more, “yeh, I’m fine”. But despite all of this, I am incredibly excited. I never thought I’d reach this point and to have such a purpose at the end of it all is the scariest and most exciting motivation in the world.

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2 responses to “A whole new meaning to “baby brain”

  1. Carole Lunsford says:

    Well done, you! Support is key and it sounds like everyone who cares for you physically and mentally is there for you.

  2. […] a case of “ok, I want a baby now” (even if that’s how it seemed to poor Husband when I sprung it on him) and as if by magic, baby occurs. I knew from the start it was going to be complicated by my […]

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