Musings and Snoozes

The Anxiety Monster 

on January 8, 2018

This afternoon is Session 1 with my new therapist. Husband jokes that I have so many doctors now that he needs a reminder list every now and again of what they all do. He’s got a point to be fair, it feels like that sometimes.

So this afternoon is Marie Claire (that’s her name, not the magazine, that confused Husband). She was recommended by my Psychiatrist, who in his own words, described her as perfect for me. I swear he had a glint in his eye when he said it, which both worries me and makes me hopeful at the same time. This afternoon will involve talking, not that the sessions with my psychiatrist didn’t, but he, by his own admission, is more about the drugs than the talking, and we’ve focused so much on baby plans that I haven’t had to delve too deeply into the realm of “so how does that make you feel?” yet. 

First battle though is leaving the house. As in physically putting my hand on the door handle, opening the door, and leaving. I’m working from home today, due to sniffles and snot and ickiness, that I don’t really want to share with the office, and that, for some reason, psychologically makes going out very hard. I have yet to figure out what is so hard about it, or why, when I happily leave the house for work every morning, should it become difficult now. Because it’s not the seeing Marie Claire that’s bothering me (nervous though I may be), nor is it the driving there (driving relaxes me). It’s cold outside, which obviously I don’t enjoy, but that doesn’t scare me. So it’s irrational for sure, but I’d like to know what exactly I’m being irrational about.

So that’s today’s first battle. Putting on my shoes and my coat, grabbing my bag, picking up my keys, and standing at the front door for a good ten minutes convincing myself to just leave (while the dog tries to decipher whether this means she’s coming or not. She’s not). On the plus side, it makes the thought of talking about my deep and innermost feelings seem a positive delight in comparison. There’s always a silver lining. 

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One response to “The Anxiety Monster 

  1. BPinBloom says:

    I empathize. For me it boils down to not being able to trust a stranger not to judge me if I’m honest. I hope it goes well and is a good match.

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