Musings and Snoozes

I don’t know what grey is, I never did

So I should probably check back in here with an update. I’m now fully off the Duloxetine and fully on the Imipramine. It’s quite the headfuck if I’m honest, but I’m neither suicidal nor shaking like a leaf 24/7, both of which I had been expecting, so I’ll take that as a win for now.

What I am however, is hot and cold. Literally and figuratively. I am almost sick or blacking out at least once a day from not being able to control my body temperature, and I go from in love with the world and all its crazy beauty, to deep despair and sadness in the space of a moment. Don’t get me wrong, I will take this any day over the blank nothingness I had before, but christ it’s tiring.

The next step now is to figure out how much is drug induced and which bits the Duloxetine has been fixing that the Imipramine now isn’t. Ups and downs, highs and lows, and generally being a walking contradiction is nothing new to me, and as mum as I have said before, is definitely something we can blame Dad for! It’s uncomfortable though – sessions with my psychologist are going well, but by well I mean she’s making me talk about things I don’t want to talk about. Right at the beginning, she described my mind as being like the Princess and the Pea. There’s one rational, fixable issue there – the pea – but it’s been buried so far under the irrational, that it’s all spiralled a bit out of control. To get the pea we have to slowly peel away all those other layers, but I don’t like it!

So right now we’re at the first few layers, and quite frankly I’m good to stay there for a bit. It’s progress enough while I get used to all the chemical changes going on in my head. All I have to hope in the meantime is that my sad, mopey days can be got through, and that my crazy highs don’t involve believing I can fly or impulsively spending all the money I possess on buying a goat farm or some such. Because obviously a goat farm is always an option. Watch this space….

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