Musings and Snoozes

One hell of a paradox

on April 1, 2018

Things are a little tricksy at the moment, to put it mildly. The meds are even-ing themselves out, and thankfully the utter numbness has passed now, but I’m still left with the euphoric highs and crippling lows. Sadly, the last week or so has been more of the latter than the former.

I am exhausted. A different kind of exhaustion to the fatigue I’m used to from the physical illnesses. This is pure and utter mental exhaustion that stops me from doing even the smallest things. I’ve spent days just hiding at home, lying on the sofa, getting worried about all the things I should be doing – work, packing for the house move, organising all the bits and pieces that go with house moving, seeing friends and family. And then by not doing them, of course I feel guilty. I know all the theory. Take things one step at a time, give myself one task to do a day etc etc, but honestly, even doing that one thing is proving more than a challenge right now!

It’s frustrating. Things in my life are pretty damn good right now and I’d hoped the long weekend for Easter would be a great chance to have fun and also to really make a start on the house moving stuff, so to be fighting this right now is making me so mad. Plans are utterly terrifying me at the moment – just having to be somewhere at a certain time is enough to make me want to run right back to bed and sleep until it’s all gone away (which is exactly what I’ve done a couple of times!). Totally irrational, I am well aware of that, but none of my usual tricks or coping methods are even coming close to working.

So I’m going to try the hour by hour method again, because as was pointed out to me, that worked through the numbness. Just taking each hour as it comes, not thinking about the next, in the hope that that at least stops me feeling quite so overwhelmed all of the time. So this hour is nothing more than blogging, pictures of cute tigers, and nice conversations. Tomorrow can be packing and productivity, but I’ll worry about that when the time comes.

Wish me luck!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: