Musings and Snoozes

To the girl I once was, to who I am now, and to who I might become

The end of the year and the prospect of a blank page always brings about a whole raft of “what have I done this year?” and “what shall I aim for next year?” I have long since learned that I am terrible at traditional resolutions, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to try to aim for something.

This year has been…..well…..tricksy, exciting, heartbreaking, hopeful, full of love and amazing friends and family. And I won’t say I wouldn’t change it for the world, because quite clearly, there are certain parts of it I absolutely would. I’ve asked a lot of questions, of others, of the universe, of my faith and of my beliefs. Sometimes I’ve found answers, for the most part I’m still searching, and will continue to in 2019.

How I answer those questions is what I want to focus on over the next 12 months. Reflection for the sake of self indulgence is therapeutic sometimes, but I also want to try and learn from myself, my past, my experiences. And from other people too. We have such amazing stories to tell and share with each other and I want to hear each and every one.

A certain Lovely Lady sent me the #52SmallThings self care challenge and it absolutely appeals to me and my terrible resolution making! I love The Mighty as a resource and a support network, and this is definitely one of their more inspired ideas. It also fits in around one of my goals for next year that I’d already decided on. I always want to write more, but sometimes the goal of “do more writing” or “write every day” can be too overwhelming to be effective. So over the next 365 days I’m going to write a letter to myself. It might be to the girl I am today, or to a past self or future me, but the important thing is that I tell a story that I need to tell. I haven’t decided if I’ll share the letters here, somewhere else, or if at all, but it’s going on the #52SmallThings list and I’ll be sharing that as I go.

As I stand on the edge of this year and next I’m feeling hopeful, optimistic, and a little bit nervous, but as emotions go, I think that’s a pretty good place to be.

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Reset, readjust, restart, refocus

Every now and again it’s nice to come and get lost in the city. So many people and not a single one gives a damn about who you are, what you do with your life, or who you love. It’s incredibly restorative in a way I never realise I need until I’m here.

Christmas is always harder than I admit. It’s one of my favourite times of the year and the excitement I still feel at 31 is much the same as it was when I was 5 years old. I don’t ever want to lose that. But inevitably, being an adult, particularly one with some mental health challenges, makes it a little different. The feeling of being pulled in a million different directions, of trying to fit everything in before the big day, of not feeling like I have any time to just sit and breathe and be. Throw in being an introvert and a thoroughly disorganised one at that, and really, it’s a recipe for disaster.

But I will always make it work. Despite this being the busiest weekend of the month for me, I’ve still managed to find a couple of hours to sit with a coffee, my thoughts, and my music to just reset. Even better that I’m in Central London as I do this – no one knows me, no one cares who I am, what I’m doing, or what I’ve got going on in my life. My headphones are shutting out the world, Dessa is reminding me how complicated life can be, but how I can navigate it and process in my own way.

At the bottom of my coffee cup, I’ll be ready to go back out into the world. But for now, I’ll be here, quietly resetting.

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As Autumn Turns to Winter

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So it’s been a while! I’ve somehow lost my words over the last few months and just haven’t been able to find them again. But I think they might be coming back slowly, and so it seems as good a time as any to try and empty my head onto metaphorical paper.

Autumn has been and gone, and now I’m in full on Christmas mode. I’ve had the first viewing of Love Actually, the Christmas Tree is up (albeit not decorated yet), and I’ve had my first mince pie of the season. I haven’t written any cards or bought many presents yet, but one step at a time, hey. Like always, it seems to have snuck up on me and I’m left wondering where Summer went and how we got here. It also makes me realise that it’s a year since #ProjectBaby began, which in turn makes me think about what a crazy year it’s been.

Things are……ok at the moment. I still feel as though I’m wading through treacle a little, but I think I have to accept that this will be the reality for a while yet. Although it can feel like hard work, I’d still happily take this over the previous numbness any day. When something good happens, I can still feel it and still appreciate it for what it is, even if to feel the good, I have to feel the meh and the bad too. Being horribly sick over the last week or so hasn’t helped – I have a tendency to mope and hide away when this happens, but there have been some awesome bright spots to keep my head above water, including, but not limited to, winning the Hamilton Lottery and getting to see it for a second time. That alone has kept me on a high for days!

#ProjectBaby is still ongoing. I’m being seen at the Fertility Clinic now, so I’m right in the middle of being poked and prodded and tested for things I never knew existed. I’ve had to wait until 12 weeks from the last miscarriage and to be honest, it’s felt like a horrible limbo. Not being able to move forward, but not being able to close the last chapter either – it’s been hard to focus. But so far everything has come back as clear, which is great, even if it doesn’t actually tell me what the problem is yet. I don’t know which I’m more afraid of – finding something wrong, or not finding anything at all. But I’m still remaining positive, I still believe it’ll work out, and I still have faith that we’ll get there. I have to be back at the hospital again tomorrow morning, and then I get 8 weeks of trying not to think about it every second of every day! Thank god for Christmas music, mince pies, decorations, and Christmas jumpers to keep me occupied! January will just have to wait for now.

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