Musings and Snoozes

As Autumn Turns to Winter

on December 4, 2018

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So it’s been a while! I’ve somehow lost my words over the last few months and just haven’t been able to find them again. But I think they might be coming back slowly, and so it seems as good a time as any to try and empty my head onto metaphorical paper.

Autumn has been and gone, and now I’m in full on Christmas mode. I’ve had the first viewing of Love Actually, the Christmas Tree is up (albeit not decorated yet), and I’ve had my first mince pie of the season. I haven’t written any cards or bought many presents yet, but one step at a time, hey. Like always, it seems to have snuck up on me and I’m left wondering where Summer went and how we got here. It also makes me realise that it’s a year since #ProjectBaby began, which in turn makes me think about what a crazy year it’s been.

Things are……ok at the moment. I still feel as though I’m wading through treacle a little, but I think I have to accept that this will be the reality for a while yet. Although it can feel like hard work, I’d still happily take this over the previous numbness any day. When something good happens, I can still feel it and still appreciate it for what it is, even if to feel the good, I have to feel the meh and the bad too. Being horribly sick over the last week or so hasn’t helped – I have a tendency to mope and hide away when this happens, but there have been some awesome bright spots to keep my head above water, including, but not limited to, winning the Hamilton Lottery and getting to see it for a second time. That alone has kept me on a high for days!

#ProjectBaby is still ongoing. I’m being seen at the Fertility Clinic now, so I’m right in the middle of being poked and prodded and tested for things I never knew existed. I’ve had to wait until 12 weeks from the last miscarriage and to be honest, it’s felt like a horrible limbo. Not being able to move forward, but not being able to close the last chapter either – it’s been hard to focus. But so far everything has come back as clear, which is great, even if it doesn’t actually tell me what the problem is yet. I don’t know which I’m more afraid of – finding something wrong, or not finding anything at all. But I’m still remaining positive, I still believe it’ll work out, and I still have faith that we’ll get there. I have to be back at the hospital again tomorrow morning, and then I get 8 weeks of trying not to think about it every second of every day! Thank god for Christmas music, mince pies, decorations, and Christmas jumpers to keep me occupied! January will just have to wait for now.

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