Musings and Snoozes

Find your tribe and let them in

I didn’t want to leave this for days, weeks, months on end after my last post. I’m not sure how many words I can find, but I want to give it a go.

I cried. A lot. That’s the first thing to say, and oh god it was such a relief. It was also messy, and scary, and uncomfortable, and happened at about 1am, because of course it did. And you know what set it off? People being nice! I realised that maybe I’d been doing it wrong – watching all the sad puppy videos was never going to work, I needed to watch the happy puppy videos! You guys were the happy puppies, so to speak. I was so overwhelmed with the love and support I received in response to my post that I just lost it, in a good way. So thank you! You made this scared, sad, lost, girl, feel again, and I am so grateful.

Secondly, I spoke to my therapist and we have a plan of action. Just having that makes me feel a little safer and more hopeful. We started this last week by working to double my meds. I have to hope to god this works, because any higher and we’ll be out of baby safe range. So far so good. I also have emergency meds to take if and when it gets quite so bad again. So I feel like I have a bit of a net there to catch me if needed, and I’m hopeful these steps should help balance me out a bit.

Thirdly, I’ve been meaning to write about what creating and being part of a Tribe means to me for a long time now. I never quite get round to putting it into words, but if there’s one thing this last week or so has taught me, it’s the importance of having those people around. It’s about the people who come into your life and make you want to be a better person, help you grow, help you understand yourself and others around you. I am so lucky to have people in my life that do that. That I can spend time with and not just feel better in terms of being consoled, but feel better by being made to feel strong, by remembering I have people who will fight with me, whatever the universe (or my own mind) throws at me.

And I don’t just want that for me. It was a huge part in finally feeling brave enough to have children (or child actually, to be more specific, but “have child” sounds awkward!). I never believed that I could be strong enough mentally or physically to raise a child, but I came to realise that I wouldn’t be doing this on my own. I wouldn’t even be doing this just with Jon. I have the most amazing support, both practically and emotionally, that if I was willing to ask for what I need and let those people help, then I could do this. I’ve always loved the old stories where the children are raised by the village, or where there are a hundred cousins and a million different aunts and uncles. Those aren’t realistic options for me, or indeed for most people these days, but that doesn’t mean I can’t create my own tribe, and that tribe can look however we choose to make it look. Families no longer look like the traditional Mum, Dad, and 2.4 children these days at the best of times, and I have never been traditional in the way I look at the world, and actually for the first time in my life, I’m excited and proud of that. I have so many incredible people around me, some who are close, some who are far away, some I see once a year, some I see almost every day, some I’ve known for my whole life, some have come crashing into my world in the last few months, but one way or another, I want each and every one of those people to be part of helping shape and influence my life and hopefully my child’s life too. I want them know, like I do, that there are so many different people to support them and guide them through life, because honestly, that freedom and that strength is invaluable 💛

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There’s a storm inside my head

So, I’m not okay. Hardest three words to say sometimes, but they need saying.

I’ve been struggling since before Christmas. I always get myself tied up in knots during December – as much as I love Christmas, it is by far the most stressful time of year for me. I then make really bad decisions and rely on unhealthy coping methods to get me through, resulting in spending January in a guilt induced haze about everything I haven’t done.

And that’s where I am now, the guilt induced haze. Depression and anxiety have kicked in at the same time, meaning not only do I have no motivation to do anything or see anyone, I then get anxious about all the things I haven’t done and all the people I haven’t seen. It’s a vicious circle and one that right now, I barely have any energy to try and break.

I’m sleeping too much, which sometimes I can put down to low spoons and my fibro kicking in, but as I lay in bed the other morning, I realised I was too scared to open my eyes. It wasn’t even about getting up and functioning, it was about not wanting to make everything real. If I keep my eyes closed and stay asleep, nothing hurts and I can stay hidden. When I hear my phone buzz with a message I want to read or I know there’ll be coffee just as soon as I’m up, and I still can’t bring myself to open my eyes, I know there’s a problem!

I don’t like feeling like this. I mean, I realise that’s probably obvious, but I’m past the point of wallowing in it and just want it to go away. Actually at this point, I’d be happy to just have a good cry. I haven’t cried in months and I’d give anything to be able to let it all out and feel better, even temporarily. But there’s nothing. Not even when watching adverts of poor, maltreated pooches, which is always the quickest way to make me blub! Still, not even a tear!

I need an out. I’m not sure what that out is yet, how I make this better, what needs to change, or what I need to do, but I will figure it out. Or at least my therapist will help me figure it out I hope. Despite all of the nothingness and the meh and guilt, I do know I have amazing people in my life, and even if they don’t know it (and even if I don’t always show it) they keep getting me out of bed in a morning, they let me be who I am and love me regardless, and for that I am eternally grateful.