Musings and Snoozes

There’s a storm inside my head

on January 21, 2019

So, I’m not okay. Hardest three words to say sometimes, but they need saying.

I’ve been struggling since before Christmas. I always get myself tied up in knots during December – as much as I love Christmas, it is by far the most stressful time of year for me. I then make really bad decisions and rely on unhealthy coping methods to get me through, resulting in spending January in a guilt induced haze about everything I haven’t done.

And that’s where I am now, the guilt induced haze. Depression and anxiety have kicked in at the same time, meaning not only do I have no motivation to do anything or see anyone, I then get anxious about all the things I haven’t done and all the people I haven’t seen. It’s a vicious circle and one that right now, I barely have any energy to try and break.

I’m sleeping too much, which sometimes I can put down to low spoons and my fibro kicking in, but as I lay in bed the other morning, I realised I was too scared to open my eyes. It wasn’t even about getting up and functioning, it was about not wanting to make everything real. If I keep my eyes closed and stay asleep, nothing hurts and I can stay hidden. When I hear my phone buzz with a message I want to read or I know there’ll be coffee just as soon as I’m up, and I still can’t bring myself to open my eyes, I know there’s a problem!

I don’t like feeling like this. I mean, I realise that’s probably obvious, but I’m past the point of wallowing in it and just want it to go away. Actually at this point, I’d be happy to just have a good cry. I haven’t cried in months and I’d give anything to be able to let it all out and feel better, even temporarily. But there’s nothing. Not even when watching adverts of poor, maltreated pooches, which is always the quickest way to make me blub! Still, not even a tear!

I need an out. I’m not sure what that out is yet, how I make this better, what needs to change, or what I need to do, but I will figure it out. Or at least my therapist will help me figure it out I hope. Despite all of the nothingness and the meh and guilt, I do know I have amazing people in my life, and even if they don’t know it (and even if I don’t always show it) they keep getting me out of bed in a morning, they let me be who I am and love me regardless, and for that I am eternally grateful.

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2 responses to “There’s a storm inside my head

  1. BPinBloom says:

    My dear lovely. I hear you and I understand. Its so, so scary – I empathize from similar experiences. I’ve gone through weeks/months of bawling from shame and fear and sheer confusion on the inside and stonefaced staring at walls in the real world. I have found in my own cycle of…I don’t even have a name, emotions?…once I get to the point you seem to be at I’m pretty close to breaking out of it. Its never pretty, its always excrutiatingly slow clawing and almost always results in “the Great and Cleansing Eye Leaking of WTF-hood” occurring in a spectacularly inconvenient fashion, perhaps when the lady in front of you takes the last onion at Tesco’s (tip: crouch down and pretend to be infinitely fascinated in something on the bottom shelf to hide the body shaking sobs), but it will come. I swear to you I was very close to what you’re describing recently, I wasn’t even thinking of self care let alone practicing it, started staying in bed for no reason and just…sinking. I got so unbelievably upset that the snow didnt start until about 4pm when I had planned my day of laziness with the expectation that the snow was starting at 1pm that when mom asked me something benign having to answer by speaking out loud made the damn break. Slowly, while staring at the window, after about 2 weeks of chaos & confusion, over an inaccurate weather forecast, but it broke. Yours will too. I promise. And until then, I’m here for you. And sometimes you have to stare at a wall and wait it out, and THATS OKAY. Brava for reaching out and being aware of the issue, my therapist tells me self awareness is an amazing thing – I tell her its a pain in the ass.

  2. BPinBloom says:

    Also, this has no bearing on your fitness to be a mum. That’s why biologically we couple up, so that its a team effort. And you have a great partner. He’ll get man-colds now & again and it’ll all even out.

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