Musings and Snoozes

Little boxes

I like to compartmentalise things. I’ve always done it, it makes my life easier to manage if things stay in the boxes they’re supposed to. I can choose to share those boxes with different people – some have access to all of them, some just have access to a single specific box. Some people earn my trust and are allowed to open new boxes along the way. Some people are never allowed in because it’s easier that way.

Apparently my therapist tells me that’s not an entirely healthy way to be. Pfft.

So I’m working on it. I’m working on a lot of things actually. I don’t think I’ve ever been quite this vulnerable before and it’s terrifying. My safety net of closed boxes are having to be opened one by one. Sometimes I find that the thing I was expecting to find in the box isn’t quite as scary as I thought – the thing I thought was a monster is actually just a scared little kitten. Sometimes I want to shut the lid back on the box as hard as possible and never open it again. So obviously they’re the ones I have to open up and deal with. And I don’t like it. Pfft.

But while I don’t like it. While it’s uncomfortable. While it’s hard. While it hurts. While all of those things, it’s working. I’m slowly healing cracks that I didn’t even know needed healing, I’m finding pieces I didn’t know were lost, and all those boxes are starting to come together like parts of a puzzle. I’m not whole yet, and there might always be a missing piece here and there, but I’m a work in progress. And that’s a powerful thing to be.

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