Musings and Snoozes

When you’re out of new words, old ones will do

My face hurts, I look like a hamster, and I’m feeling spectacularly sorry for myself. But, I came across this post I made a good while back and it made me smile. So in the absence of coherent thought and sentence structure, here is a reblog of the many reasons why I’m kinda awesome sometimes. 

Shameless self promotion (for a change!) 

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Her mind is like a hurricane 

So it’s 5am and I haven’t really slept. My head will just not shut up, no matter how hard I try. The dog kindly started crying at about 3.30, having clearly decided she must desperately pee that very second, and then to top it off, having merrily proclaimed yesterday that my tooth was fine, it’s now making me want to cut off the side of my face again. Apart from all that, I got this. 

So I can’t do a lot about the last two – I’ve finally warmed up with the help of a hot shower after standing in the freezing cold with the dog, and I’ve doused my tooth in so many forms of ibuprofen that I expect to be cured any moment now – but I can try and pick out the thoughts that are buzzing round my head. Annoyingly, they’re not even all bad thoughts. I’m not awake because I’m worrying about anything in particular, though of course once my mind wanders, I can always find something to worry about, but really it’s just too much going on.  

So let’s start with the best bit. I booked flights for my New York / Boston trip next year. I am beyond excited about this, not least because this trip will involve so many friends in both places. Plus of course, New York 🙂

In equally good, if not interestingly timed news, something I thought may never happen at work, may well indeed now actually happen. I can’t really say much more than that, and I don’t actually know all that much, but it’s an opportunity I wasn’t expecting! 

Studying also went remarkably well today. I’ve broken the back of what I needed to, and while I still have my assignment to write, I have all the ideas there on paper. Of course some of these ideas are still bouncing round my head now, and really, 5am is not the optimum time to be thinking about collaborative leadership models. 

And the rest? Well the rest is just a never ending list of things I need to do, things I want to do, conversations I want to have, conversations I don’t want to have. The list goes on. All with the delightful background of the dog having decided she’s awake and therefore it’s breakfast time, and a tooth that makes me want to consider the kindest way to be put down. Hard life doesn’t even begin to cover it, as pooch will of course tell you if you so much as ask. 

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Breathe, trust, and let go

Sometimes it does good to remind myself of this. Breathe, trust, let go – I’m working on it, but it’s proving tricky. 

It’s been a hell of a couple of weeks. I just don’t seem to be able to give enough time to anything at the moment. Work is a little overwhelming, but good so I don’t mind, though I have to remember not to let it take over completely. Study is not engaging me like it should, and therefore I’m not giving it the time I should. And everything else? Well everything else I’m just essentially hiding from and hoping it’ll all sort itself out. Because we all know that works well…. 

The tiredness is the hardest part to contend with atm. I feel I could sleep for a week, and I probably need to! When I get tired, I get down. And when I get down I lose my motivation and self belief. Rinse and repeat and we have a vicious circle. So I need to snap out of it. I just don’t know how. I’m hoping finally getting myself back to the gym tomorrow might help. I physically haven’t been able to go for a few weeks, but now it’s on my mind all the time that I need to go, and then I feel guilty that I don’t go, and then that just gets added to the list of things to worry about. So if I can cross that one off my list, then I hope it will kick-start everything else. Maybe…! 

But for now I shall go curl up with my book, enjoy the here and now, not worry about tomorrow, and maybe just try to breathe and let go. 

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It’s not always how, sometimes it’s who

I love how some of the most important people come in to your life so unexpectedly. I’m a firm believe in the whole Sliding Doors/Everything Happens for a Reason theory, and some of my best friendships only go to support that. 

From mine and Shell’s drunken “but I thought you hated me!” moment in the bathroom at Eddie’s famous free bar night, to my beautiful girls I’ve met through horribly difficult situations at work, who now are some of the closest people in my life, to my Americans across the pond, some of whom I haven’t even met, but who have become close confidants all the same. I am extremely grateful for every single one one you. And that’s before I even start on everyone I count as family. 

Things are not easy right now. I’m constantly on the edge of a flare up, I’m shattered, I hurt, and I’m horribly overwhelmed. But I don’t fall apart and it’s because of the amazing people around me that I don’t. Talking, moaning, bitching, laughing, joking, not to mention wedding planning in more than one case – it’s all this that keeps me going and gets me out of bed in a morning. 

So thank you you lovely lot. You have no idea how much you all mean to me, and I only hope that I can return the favour in some small way in your lives. 

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