Self indulgent whimpering (no sympathy required)

Is it wrong to be upset that I don’t have another diagnosis or any new medication? Logically I know it’s a good thing, I don’t want to be any more ill than I am, but that’s the problem: I am. I feel ten times worse than I did a year ago in terms of the pain, I’m just better at dealing with it. Which is good I suppose, I’m obviously not going to get any better, so I might as well just learn to suck it up and take more pain killers.

I’ve always known that fibromyalgia would be a case of treating the symptoms and not the cause. Maybe that’s why the promise of every new diagnosis seems tempting, in the hope that one will actually have a cure.

The bottom line is the same as it is for every invisible illness sufferer – I want something to show for my pain. I don’t look any different now to how I did when I walked into the hospital an hour and a half ago, yet thanks to the mega amounts of prodding and poking I’ve been subjected to, I now feel as though I’ve been run over by a bus. But nobody would know because nobody can see what all the little things do to me. The gentle tapping to check for numbness, the reflex checks on my knees, ankles, arms and wrists, the sitting while waiting for consults – it’s all so painful and while a ‘normal’ person would feel fine afterwards, it just leaves me in more pain than I was when I started.

The logical part of my brain knows I’m moping here and I will get over it and remember I’m lucky I can still walk, talk, function, go to work, see friends etc, but for now the other part wants to sit and wallow in a bowl of chocolate. So I might just go do that.

Coming through! Lady with a stick!

I don’t often break the walking stick out, so when I do, it’s safe to say that things aren’t great. But that aside, what baffles me is how people react to it.

I don’t know if it’s just because I don’t exactly look like your average stick user -I might feel 95 but I like to think I don’t look it – or if maybe everyone who has some kind of walking aid experiences this, but people look at you differently.

Now I’m the first to admit that I will quite happily break out the stick on public transport when necessary in order to get a much needed seat, so I’m not complaining about people’s reactions, it just interests me. At least three times today I saw people do a double take and one woman, clearly very unimpressed that I wanted to get past her and her unruly child, actually scowled, huffed, and puffed, before seeing the stick and miraculously turning into a sweet human being and graciously letting me through. Apparently the only thing more important than your screaming brat is an unlikely cripple girl. Who knew?

I get that it’s probably basic human instinct to feel sorry for someone worse off than you/in pain/that you sympathise with etc, and as I say, this isn’t a complaint – lord knows my life’s motto is “everybody feel sorry for the lizard” – but wouldn’t it just be better if everyone’s basic human instinct was to actually be nice regardless of the walking stick in the unlikely girl’s hand and the need for sympathy?

Then again maybe it might help if I didn’t look like I could take out anyone that gets in my way at any given moment with aforementioned stick. Possibly should work on that….

One breaks my body and the other breaks my soul

Emotional wreck pretty much sums up this week. Up and down and back again about a hundred times over. I’m not going to write about it all because when I write in detail I just relive the whole bloody lot, so in short, this week:

The Good

•Getting promoted. That’s pretty good. Unexpected too. Despite some of the quite frankly bloody amazing things I found out at the party the previous week, I was starting to get a bit disillusioned that I might have to be more patient than I’d like at work. But no, turns out I’ve made enough of an impression to warrant an unexpected promotion and needless to say, pride levels went through the roof.

•The pretty damn amazing people in my life. That’s not meant to be sappy, I’m just bloody lucky that in every aspect of my life I have amazing people-husband, friends, family, colleagues. They get me out of bed in a morning (or early afternoon in the case of today…oops).

•Re-falling in love with Ryan Adams. I feel 15 again and no I don’t care.

The Bad

•Restlessness beyond belief. I can’t settle, I can’t concentrate, I can’t shut my mind up. This does not make for sleeping, productiveness or even being able to control my opinions at work. Not ideal.

•The realisation that my new and odd symptoms I’ve been experiencing have been going on so long that they’re neither new nor odd anymore. Therefore they need mentioning at the hospital. Tingling limbs is becoming numbness and falling over, queasiness is becoming nausea, aches are becoming stabbing pains and the odd dizzy spell is becoming full on world spinning. Ugh.

Essentially I’m just a bit all over the place and I’m not good at feeling like this. I’ve been on such a level track over the last few months that I’ve forgotten how to cope with being quite this out of control. I know it will pass and the good bits keep me going, but really, I’d like to just calm down and be normal for a while now!