It’s not all bad, mostly.

Because seriously, how can it be so bad when someone as cool as Morgan Freeman has fibromyalgia?!

Actually it’s pretty bad at the moment. This flare has been threatening for a while so it didn’t come as a great surprise when my body went mental at about 5 o’clock this morning. But, even when I feel like death, there are always things that make me smile, so I thought I’d share them 🙂

-Bug passed his MOT. This was so unexpected it’s not true. The bloke was just as surprised as me I think. Plus it meant that I didn’t have to walk home in the rain.

-ITV are filming an episode of Endeavour at the house across the road. This means that there are some very cool old cars around AND that I have got to spend the day watching belladog be very disgruntled about all these people on “her” land. Honestly it’s the cutest, funniest thing. She does disgruntled like a pro.

-Talking of pooches, when I left to take Bug this morning there was a whole baguette in a Tesco bag INSIDE my handbag. When I came back there was a shame faced pooch, a torn and empty wrapper on the floor, no sign of crumbs, and the tesco bag still inside my handbag. That is one clever pooch. I’m almost proud.

Moomin onesies, calpol, a husband and copious amounts of sleep should fix me good. But in the meantime, I can be found on the couch with a pack of cookies and a hopeful looking pooch.

“It’ll be almost fine…. Probably”

Because realising it’s not actually 30° outside and that you’ve in fact just got a raging temperature is totally fine. As is being unable to stand up straight, walk without holding onto things, or being able to answer the question “would you like a drink?” without nearly passing out with the amount of brain cells you’re using.

So yeh, I totally got this.

To be fair to myself, I felt *almost* this bad *before* I decided to attack the garden last night, so it’s not entirely my own fault. And on the plus side I now have an unexpected three day weekend, during which I plan to do nothing more strenuous than eating cake and alcoholic sorbet. And everyone knows that both of those things will fix me far more efficiently than the 75 pills I’m currently taking.

So really, it’s fine. Nothing to see here….

“It’ll be fine!”

“No Lizard, I don’t want you to be in pain for the next three days”

“It’s fine, I’ll be ok”

Well I am, though probably only because Jon took the mower back off me after five minutes. Still, the garden looks like a garden again and I can stop having sleepless nights over it. Plus I’ve only got to get through one more day of work, so it’ll be fine, right?

Just five more minutes!

Today I was meeting Tess for lunch at 12. At 11.25 I was still in bed, pretty much looking like the above tortoise (only with purple bed hair and a dog sat on my tummy). Even though I know I have to get up, and I knew I couldn’t be late today, and that it would definitely take me at least half an hour to get there, I still couldn’t make my body move.

I spent a long time before I was diagnosed worrying that maybe it really was all in my head, that maybe I was just depressed, but I’ve learnt now that while I do have days where it’s general meh and disinterest that keeps me under the duvet, most days it is pure exhaustion and pain. That may not sound particularly positive, but it was a hell of a relief when I first got diagnosed to find that there were legitimate reasons for my inability to get up.

I made it though. Just about. The rest of my day didn’t quite go to plan, but it at least started off with a good natter and cake! I have however subsequently FINALLY cleaned the house. I’m pretty knackered and will of course be off for a hot bath any minute now, but I have washed up, cleaned the kitchen, tidied the living room and hung up our new blackboard/keyholder. It may not sound like much, but I’ve been building up to this for nearly a month and I feel decidedly smug now 🙂 Pooch and I are currently surveying our good work from the comfort of the sofa and I will soon be looking like the aforementioned tortoise again as I try to make it upstairs!

Just keep swimming

Well I’ve made it through two days at work without collapsing (it was a close call yesterday) and now I have two days off thank god.

I think I need to remember that going on holiday generally leads to getting ill. Honestly I can’t remember the last time I went away and didn’t come back having caught some sort of bug. I don’t know if it’s because as soon as I’m out of my usual bubble of friends and family my body just decides to go into meltdown, or if it’s just bad luck, but in future I’m just going to pre-empt it and assume I’ll be ill and take the subsequent time off work! As if enough things don’t make me sick as it is, even nice things like holidays are out to get me.

On the positive side though, I have once again proved that I can battle my way through feeling like death when I need to. There were two reasons I went to work yesterday – one, to hug Claire and two, to have lunch with Tess and Max. They are the best reasons to get out of bed in a morning and fight my way through the pain and fog – if I’m going to have to get through the less fun parts of the day then I’m damn well going to make the most of the good bits. So I got through it, seeing everyone after a week off cheered me up, and come 10pm when I finished (US hours, remember) I was actually feeling much better, if not utterly knackered.

Between amazing friends, bloody awesome family, and the cutest pooch around, I always have a reason to keep going, even when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and hide away. I’m a lucky, if not somewhat fuzzy, pain-filled, Lizard.

Flare ups and flouncing (a lack of the latter due to the former)

If I wasn’t collapsed on the sofa, I’d be having a good old flounce about feeling so rubbish.

I’ve had a lovely weekend – I rested all of yesterday, went out for a meal and to the theatre last night (admittedly not resting, but relaxing all the same), and then today was Bella’s big day at HULA. Everyone was very pleased to see her, not to mention impressed by how slimline she’s looking these days, but by  the end of the day a headache (and subsequent pain) were starting to set in.

I’m now back home and curled up with pooch. I’ve had the hottest bath known to man (despite running a temperature – pretty unknown for me) and I’m generally feeling miffed that my body chooses now to flare up. I’ve had a lovely holiday, I’m due back at work tomorrow, and I have a list of a million things I really want to get done, but can’t because it’s too painful.

I don’t often get full on mopey about being ill, in fact I like to think I keep pretty damn upbeat (and stubborn), but for once I’m pissed off, fed up and generally a bit ready to shut the world out and cry. I probably won’t (crying will make my head worse) but if you need me, me, pooch, and a large packet of doritos will be here on the couch. I’ll be the one scowling.

The best laid plans

So I was totally getting up before 9 this morning. Totally. Sadly by 10.30 I hadn’t moved a muscle. Thankfully I don’t have anywhere to be until early evening, so the fact that it takes me the best part of an hour to convince my hips and back that they’d really like to move sometime before Christmas, didn’t matter. I showered, shaved my legs, and threw hair dye at my head. I’ve been on the sofa ever since.

Thankfully pooch seems to be having a sympathy day with me and has shown  precisely no sign of moving herself off the sun-beamed chair. Seriously, if ever there was a fibro-friendly dog, it’s this one. We’re actually looking at getting her registered as a therapy dog – she’s provided so much help for me that I’d like to share the love.

I have an hour and a half before dinner. Time to burrow out of the blanket fort and make the pooch move. 1…..2…..3…. 🐾

My chronically ill heroine ♥

In the absence of any productive blogging on my part, you should all go read Juliette Wills’ Blog Even better, go buy her book. I read it every time I need to remember that a) things could be worse,  b) that someone else just “gets” it, and c) that there is someone out there who puts even my mad moments to shame!

Seriously though, for anyone who wants a fantastically accurate, and more importantly very funny, insight into what it’s like to look “normal” on the outside, but feel like death on the inside, then this is the book to read.

I don’t use the word inspirational very often, it’s clichéd and overrated, but this woman is an utter inspiration to me on my good days and my bad. She is amazing. And she loves llamas and rockabilly. End of.