A tangled spider’s web

Well I’ve been looking for the inspiration to write for a while now, and I think this might just be the not so subtle slap in the face I was looking for!

I started seeing a new therapist a couple of months ago. She’s Irish, and says things like “hmm, interesting, we’ll come back to that”, and I scowl, knowing she’s picked up on the one thing I was hoping she wouldn’t notice. She’s either perceptive or a witch. My money’s on the latter. And I mean that in a complimentary way. But after a few sessions of figuring each other out, we talked about boundaries and whether I have them. Unsurprisingly, I don’t have many. The only boundaries I ever set are the ones that I throw up when I shut down from the world completely. Not entirely healthy either. So we’re working on it, and any part of working on it for me is to put it down in words to try and make sense of the tangled mess that is my head sometimes.

So here we are.

My mood can switch in an instant. On a really good day, I can go from being on top of the world to a pit of despair in about three seconds flat, which you have to admit, is impressive in itself. But all it takes is one intruding thought, one flippant comment from someone, one unpleasant memory, and boom, my mind has flipped 180. And it’s exhausting, both for me and for those around me I expect, never knowing what’s coming next or how long each mood will last. The upside is that just as my emotions can plummet suddenly, they can shoot back up just as quickly, and I’m learning to counteract that one intrusive thought with a positive one or that one unpleasant memory with one of the million more pleasant memories available to me. But it’s hard damn work, and it would be so much easier if my emotions didn’t depend so much on perceived outside influences, and instead were happily independent and able to make their own decisions! Because aged 32, I should not still be upset because I see someone prettier than me, or I don’t hear back from someone I wanted to talk to. But sadly, as of yet, no one seems to have convinced my inner teenage mind, which I swear is still stuck somewhere around 17, that it should have grown up by now.

And here’s where it gets interesting. I had some pretty unpleasant experiences around that age, during my “influential years” as my therapist calls them. And while I’ve grown up in so many ways and am capable of dealing with a lot of what life throws at me these days, it seems there is a part of my brain that got stuck, that never quite left behind my 17 year old self, and consequently is prone to teenage self defence mechanisms that I probably should have long since left behind.

But, on the flip side (because I will always take the wins where I can), I have moments of the absolute assured self image that only a teenager can have. I had a remarkably good sense of who I was at 17 and I’m pleased to say I’ve never lost that, I’ve only come to be more and more confident with it over time. And those moments are awesome. In those moments I can, and do, take on the world. Admittedly, sometimes that translates into impulsive, not so sensible ideas, but I like to think I take 5 out of 6.

And so I have to learn to find the elusive balance somewhere. Crazy highs are only a good thing when they can’t be brought crashing down by one single moment of negativity, or equally carried away by impulsive, irrational decision making. Both of which have a knock on effect in the aftermath, be it crippling self doubt and an absolute loss of motivation for anything or anyone, or the regret of having done something so stupid, and usually irresponsible, that I will probably regret.

Acknowledging it is the first step, that’s what they always say right? So now we just have to figure out how to tame the wild little girl inside my head.

If a year was tucked inside of a clock, then Autumn would be the magic hour…

My favourite time of year, when there’s a chill in the air, the leaves turn golden, and I have a legitimate excuse to pumpkin spice everything.

I’ve been quiet for a while, I’m aware of that, but I’ve been looking after myself (for the most part) and focussing on me. It’s felt good to step back, just to work out where I am and where I want to be. I’ve been on the edge of a flare up for a little while, and it’s taken quite some willpower to remember to be kind to myself first and foremost, but I think I’m just starting to come out of the other side, and doing significantly less for a while will probably help.

And Autumn is always a good time for me – it instantly makes me relax, my body aches less, my mind quietens, and I can find moments of pure bliss in watching the leaves fall, while sipping a cup of coffee (pumpkin spiced of course). It reminds me how important balance is – even my calendar kindly reminded me this morning that “You can’t have the ups without the downs”! I’m a big believer in that, and feeling out of balance is akin to feeling physically unwell sometimes, but the in-between times always reset me, and right now, I feel that everything is settling back in place.

So for the next few weeks, if you need me, I’ll likely be supping on a pumpkin spiced latte somewhere, possibly eating ginger cake, wrapped up in a scarf, boots, and armwarmers, and marvelling at how good the world looks at this time of year.

I’ll be back in Winter.

You can do anything, but not everything

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve been a bit rubbish at keeping in touch and seeing friends this year. I’ve struggled hard with balance, with looking after myself vs doing too much, with wanting to hide away a little. Plus the practicalities of being a smidge broke half the time. 
I want to fix it, to change this year, but I’m bright enough to know that I’m not suddenly going to recover and find boundless energy. If anything, with studying for my Masters, it’s going to get worse not bette, but I want to try and manage my time and my energy more wisely at least. 

So that’s part of my aim from now. And it does start now. I don’t want to say from new year, because that gives me too much leeway to screw it up in the next few days and start 2017 in a bad way, which is the worst thing I could do. 

And so with that in mind, I am currently resting in the spare room at Jon’s parents. I know I’ve hit the limit of my energy now and need to just lie down, let the fatigue do its worst for a bit, and rest my aching body. Doing this, instead of driving up to see friends tonight, was a good idea, and it means the time I will get to spend with them tomorrow will be so much more valuable after the rest. It’s a hard one for me to accept, and probably hard too for many of my friends who may feel like I’m putting them off or not making enough of an effort. 

But I know I have to focus on the positives and I also know that contrary to all my doubts and anxiety, my friends are my friends for a reason, and part of that is they care about me. So while I realistically know that I’m not going to get to do everything I want to or see everyone as much as I’d like, if I can make it work just a little bit better then the precious time I do have will be so much the better for it. 

And so that’s what I’m doing, starting now. A very Merry Boxing Day to you all, from a very restful pooch and I. 

There is peaceful, there is wild. I am both at the same time.

I’m made up of all kinds of contradictions, but never more so than when it comes to people. I’m an introvert who loves people, but only on my terms, and only with an escape route.

I can, and often do, talk for hours with the right people. Others will struggle to get two words out of me. Equally, I’ll happily sit in comfortable silence with some of the closest people in my life, yet with others I’ll feel the need to fill that every gap, heaven forbid I be judged on what I’m not saying. 

Some days just being around people keeps me grounded and connected to the world. Others, like today, the mere sound of grating voices is enough to make me want to beat them with the aforementioned wings. 

Put me in front of a room full of people and ask me to speak, present, teach, train, and I’m at my happiest. Put me in a group and make me participate and there are times I’d rather the room just disappeared. 

Sometimes I need people. Sometimes I need the time alone with a cup of coffee to recharge. Though even then I’d always rather be surrounded by other people, even if I have my headphones in and the world tuned out. There’s a comfort to be found in introverting around others. By the very definition of the notion it should be a contradiction in itself, and yet it works. 

 I feel that need to escape, but to escape amongst a world of other people and conversations. Finding new parts of myself in others, and yet at the same time rediscovering parts of me that I don’t focus on enough. 

Balance. Like everything, it comes down to balance. A skill I am forever learning, but one that when I get it right, everything just falls into place. Being a contradiction may be confusing, and it may not always be comfortable, but when those two sides match up, it’s the most peaceful feeling in the world. 

Project “Look after Lizard”

I left work on time. That is today’s mega “look after lizard” achievement. 
Honestly, I was surprised at how hard it was. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t stay out of duty, for my management, or to be a martyr and able to say “look how late I stayed!”. I do it because I genuinely love what I do. Like every role, there are some bits more enjoyable than others, but overall I have a passion for what I do. 

But, like everything, there comes a point when passion becomes a little overwhelming and the balance is tipped. I’m also aware that while I do love my job, I also over compensate for my illness. Perception is something I’m aware of constantly, and my continual worry is that I’ll be perceived as being ill, being sick all the time, being weak, and so I go to the other end of the scale to prove everyone otherwise. Of course realistically, I’m not sure anyone thinks that of me, but just in case, I’ll prove them wrong all the same. 

You’re probably at this point thinking I’m crazy, but when I do manage to keep the balance right between passion and a nervous breakdown, it actually keeps me in  a very good place. I do well at work, not as well as I’d always like, but there’s an enormous self-satisfaction to be had from doing a good job and seeing hard work pay off. I thrive on it and I need it – it makes up a huge part of me. 

But sometimes enough is enough. Sometimes I have to take a step back and focus on me for a bit, else there’ll be no “me” left to continue doing what I love so much. So that’s what I did tonight. It’s been hard to switch off, but I’ve occupied myself with baking, taking the pooch on a quick stroll, and booking in some regular spa time. 

I can still love my job, I can still be passionate about what I do, but I can also be passionate about me. And I’m learning. I’m not there yet, but with daily reminders from friends and family, I got this. Probably. 

She loves from the depths of her soul

Falling in love with Jon was the easiest thing in the world. We joke that all he had to do was say hi and that was it, I was head over heels, but it’s not that far off the truth – something which he likes to continually tease me about of course. If you’d have asked me before though, I’d have told you that love was meant to be hard, it was meant to be something that felt like work, and not what it really is – the most natural thing in the world.

I fall in love far too easily, quite literally in a heartbeat sometimes. Not always the same kind of love and not always with a person, but when I love, be it a friend, a song, a city, an idea, I love intensely. I don’t have a happy medium – I’m an all or nothing kind of girl.

And that goes for my life as a whole – it’s why trying to manage three chronic illnesses is a nightmare. By the very nature of what they do to me, the way to stay healthy (ish) is to stay on an even keel, to do things in moderation, to keep my emotions in check and never do too much or too little. You might as well be speaking Chinese as far as my mind is concerned, and it’s why I end up on the edge of a flare up at any given time.

Would I change it? Sometimes. It’s hard work feeling everything so intensely all of the time. I even feel the nothingness just as much as the other plethora of emotions. But it’s real and it’s life, and I don’t think I’d want to miss out on the intensity of it all – sure it would be easier and less tiring, but it would also just be….less.

And so I just have to remember to take time out and to look after me. To take all the feelings and emotions, sit back and pick them out one by one, and reset myself to start again. It’s easier said than done, but I will make life work for me. And if I happen to fall in love with you along the way, well then enjoy every intense moment of it with me.

I’ve loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night

The beauty in the darkness is something I’ve taken a long time to become comfortable with – to see it as a friend and not an all consuming part of me. I’m fascinated by balance and the need for both light and dark to not only survive, but to live fully – I honestly don’t think you can have one without the other. Finding that balance is hard, but life is teaching me how to use them both to learn about myself and the world around me.

Right now, well, things are the epitome of light and dark, up and down, good and bad. I go from high as a kite one minute to lost and overwhelmed the next. I don’t know how much of it is me, how much is not taking care of myself properly, or how much of it is just my ridiculous medication and the many delightful side effects it brings. Maybe it’s all three. I probably need to step back and re-find the balance again, but it’s hard with so much going on. I’ve given myself a day off work on Wednesday at least, which is a fairly big step for me, and I’m hoping for a day of getting lost in the summer rain for a while and trying to get back on track.

Despite the downs and the less than pleasant parts of my life, I don’t know that I’d change it. Well no, maybe that’s a bit far – if I could have my Dad back and maybe some of my health too, then yes, let’s be honest I would. But those experiences do make me “me”. I got talking about regrets and past relationships earlier and it made me realise that I’m remarkably proud of who I am today because of what I’ve learnt from life so far. I don’t think that’s bad for a sometimes jaded, cynical 29 year old. It’s not to say I wouldn’t go back and do things differently – given a second chance, who wouldn’t – but as long as I can remember that sometimes you need the bad stuff to teach you about the good stuff, then it wasn’t all in vain.

So here I am, treading a fine line somewhere in the middle at the moment, neither comfortable nor consumed by one or the other, but the fact that I recognise that is always the first step in not spiraling out of control. And so I’ll look for the lessons in both, take what I can, and keep (hopefully) heading in the right direction.

It’s all about the balance

Aaaah and I think we’re back to “normal”. Meds have been collected, more importantly they’ve been taken, and I think we’re back on track.

I’ve had an interesting week at work, causing chaos and just generally ruffling a few feathers, but it’s been really good to have something to focus on. Now I just have to apply the same motivation to everything else and get back on track with my exercise, my writing, the pooch etc. It’s rare I ever manage to get the balance right, but I need to be careful not to solely focus all this newfound energy on work, and remember to leave some of it for my poor friends and family.

So far I’ve spent Friday night working, Saturday snoozing, and today out with Max, so I think that’s an alright balance. Max now has a beautiful little tattoo on her ankle and I feel better for having had a lovely catch up with one of my best friends 🙂